More Bacon!

There’s a small hole in the wall sausage house in our little town that makes some of the best bratwurst this side of Nuremberg. They also have the kind of bacon I grew up with, the thick-sliced bacon, so thick any grown adult would have a hard time finishing three slices. Earlier this week, I went in to buy some hot links and some bacon, and as I was getting ready to check out, the man behind the counter asked if there was anything else I needed.

“Now that you mention it,” I said, “I’ve had shooting pain in my left arm for the past few days, and once in a while, I get short of breath. What do you think I should do?”

The man shrugged his shoulders, and without missing a beat said, “I don’t know, eat more bacon?”

Before I get inundated with well-meaning and concerned e-mails, certain parts of the preceding story were as true as Adam Schiff’s re-imagining of the transcript he read to congress of the now-famous Ukraine phone call some time ago. Yes, I went in to buy bacon, no I’m not having shooting pains in my arms or shortness of breath. And, if I were, I wouldn’t be asking a butcher as to what I should do even though he cuts a mean slice of bacon.

As ludicrous as it might have been to ask him about chest pains, even though he is impressive with a cleaver and a butcher’s knife, it is just as ludicrous to ask the guy who came up with Microsoft Windows what we should do about global pandemics, viruses, and the such.

In this case, since we know the man has been advocating for population control for the past few decades, it would be doubly ludicrous to ask his input on what we should do regarding the current situation.

If someone’s stated goal is to reduce the population of the planet by 50%, do you think his answer as to what should be done to save everybody will do anything other than attempt to further his agenda?

It would be like the butcher telling me to eat more bacon because his goal is to sell more bacon, even though he knows a nice mixed green salad would likely be better for my overall health. I guarantee you my heart health did not enter into his equation. On the contrary, as long as I exchanged legal tender for some of his bacon, he wouldn’t have minded telling me something contrary to reason if it helped seal the deal.

Some people are under the misconception that if someone is smart, had a brilliant idea once, or has amassed a hoard of cash, they automatically become knowledgeable about everything, are well balanced mentally, and only have the best of intentions for everything they do.

If you think that, and you have a strong constitution and a few minutes to kill, you might want to look up the personal peccadillos of one John McAfee, yes, the same guy who came up with the anti-virus software. Maybe that will make you rethink the stable genius of self-important nerds who’ve concluded that playing god is as close as they’ll ever come to being a god.

Just as I’m not about to trust the future of international geopolitics to some hair-brained twit who played cadaver #2 in one episode of a procedural drama, I’m not about to put my kids’ lives into the hands of someone with a god complex who believes the only way to save the planet is to kill off half of its inhabitants. I have an idea: you first, Bill. And, if you feel you’re not enough, I have a shortlist of people you could take with you. Lead by example, you unhinged loon, lead by example. 

With love in Christ,

Michael Boldea Jr.