Job CCXVIII

 So, which came first, the chicken or the egg? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Was there an ice cream land in heaven before ice cream was invented, or is heaven expanding in tandem with human invention and ingenuity? The same applies to Jello-Land, and isn’t there some sort of copyright infringement happening because, technically, Jello is a company that sells flavored gelatin, not the actual product itself? Does the Jello company have a legitimate lawsuit against heaven for naming it Jello-land? Inquiring minds want to know.

Why are you focusing on this? To highlight the absurdity of the claims some people are making on behalf of God, and in the name of God, that’s why. They’re jesters, farceurs, tellers of fables and ticklers of ears, wells without water, clouds carried by a tempest with no connection to the vine or foundation in truth.

Tell us more, tell us more about how cows drive around on tractors, about the unicorns in heaven, about the sasquatch, and other such fables. Make us smile, make us laugh, make us cringe and roll our eyes, but by no means insist that we reflect on our own wretchedness, our faithlessness, our hypocrisy, and ignorance of truth.

It takes less effort to pop a Twinkie in your mouth than it does to cook a meal, but while one may take longer, it’s packed with nutrients and vitamins, while the other is just empty calories that leave a coat of mystery oil on the roof of your mouth. One provides sustenance that is lasting and beneficial, the other an insulin spike that leaves you hungrier than you were before consuming it.

The choice of which to gravitate toward is yours as an individual. I’m not going to hide in the bushes and stuff a Twinkie in your mouth while jump scaring you, nor am I going to drive out and cook you a meal every night. It is you who must determine which is better for you and take steps to ensure you acquire it regularly.

You choose whether you will pursue fables and bedtime stories meant to lull children to sleep, or the power and authority that comes with walking in the will of God. One requires little to no effort, the other demands the putting to death of the old man and the forfeiting of all things for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus.    

How do cows turn the key in the ignition if they have no thumbs? How do they know to change gears? Are the tractors automatic? Are there gas stations in heaven, or do the tractors run on sustainable energy sources heretofore unheard of? When it comes to the nature, character, sovereignty, providence, and supremacy of God, there is no need for such banal, laughable questions. He is the same, yesterday, today, and forevermore, unchanging, everlasting, sovereign, and omnipotent.

That’s all well and good, but you have to admit heaven sounds quirky, cute, and fun, I mean, cows driving tractors of all things. You can’t make that stuff up! Actually, you can.

Oddly enough, of all the things John the Revelator saw during his glimpse of heaven, there was no mention of cows driving tractors. He saw the throne, the One who sat on the throne, the twenty-four thrones surrounding the central one, he saw the elders, the seven lamps of fire, the sea of glass, and the four living creatures, not resting day or night saying, “Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come”, but no mention of pet dinosaurs or tractor-driving cows.

Granted, John admits he was in the spirit while the individual to whom the tractor-driving cows are attributed says she was translated bodily, but unless there is a different wing of heaven for receiving physical guests, like a solarium, it’s more than likely it’s pure, undiluted fiction.

Just compare and contrast the two. The solemnity, awe, reverence, worship, and grandeur of John’s vision of heaven, with the pitiful recreation of pet dragons and unicorns. Perhaps God remodeled to keep up with the times, one might say, but God is outside of time and does not seek the affirmation or validation of man. He is God! Worthy of honor and praise, worthy of glory and power, for He created all things and by His will they exist.

The God Job knew was the God who reigns in majesty, the God who is high and lifted up, whose train of his robe fills the temple. He knew the God who is from everlasting to everlasting, his Redeemer, and that’s the prism through which he served, worshipped, and had fellowship with Him. Had it been a child’s cartoonish version, replete with tractor-driving cows and sasquatch, would his faith have endured, I wonder?

It doesn’t take exhaustive research to discern the lies vomited upon the unsuspecting by self-professing heaven-hoppers, just a rudimentary knowledge of the Word of God and how ones such as John, Isaiah, Ezekiel, Paul, or Stephen described what they saw.

Just because we want to believe fables, it doesn’t make them true. Just because what is described is fanciful and imaginative, lighthearted and eccentric, it doesn’t make it Biblical. No, you didn’t sit on God’s lap, no, you didn’t braid His beard, no, you didn’t beat Him at pinochle or spend a week playing Pictionary.

2 Timothy 4:3-4, “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables.”

Even though we knew it was coming, it’s still tragic to behold. Even though we tried to steel ourselves, it still smarts because real people are getting hurt, even though they’re the ones who sought out teachers who, rather than challenge them, rightly divide scripture, and preach the truth, would tickle their ears and speak fanciful fables to them. If you have a heart for people, you can’t help but be saddened by it, even though you know they participated in and invited their own deception while actively turning their ears away from the truth.

With love in Christ,

Michael Boldea, Jr.